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Couple Relationship Plays A Key Role

A supportive team

The ideal family operates like a team, supporting each other during life's journey. Happy and healthy family dynamics depends on the couple's relationship. If the parents form a harmonious unit, with a shared drive to learn and grow, the family can weather any challenge.

Outside the family, each member is likely to encounter various challenges or setbacks but with support from the inside, they will be able to cope. Within the family setting, disagreements and conflicts are also likely to happen due to the differences in mindset, personalities, values and parenting styles. In a harmony family, the love, care, support and respect will offset the negatives. There is no ideal scenario on how to solve issues, but every attempt should be made to improve the situation by communicating, compromising and repairing. To achieve this, non-judgmental communication, empathy, and mutual understanding and respect are vital factors.

A combination of complex relationships

In a family of four, which includes a couple and two children, there are six close relationships: one couple-relationship, four parent-children’s relationships and one sibling-relationship. If any of these relationships goes wrong, the whole family's harmony will be disturbed. The Chinese say “家家有本難念的經”, which means every family has their issues, which outsiders find difficult to understand and judge. However, maintaining harmony within the family is more important than proving who is right and who is wrong.

Parental midlife crisis vs children’s adolescence

Midlife crisis usually means challenges faced when individuals step into the second half of their lives - a plateauing or declining career, a worsening couple-relationship, female menopause, children going through adolescence and couples’ parents entering the elderly stage. When parents are going through their midlife crisis and children enter puberty, becoming emotional and rebellious, striving for independence and becoming less cooperative. This complex dynamic may create challenges and friction. Only love, learning, and mutual acceptance and can help ride out this storm. The couples need to exhibit non-judgmental communication, with empathy, and develop mutual trust, care, love and respect, creating an environment in which all parties are comfortable voicing their observations and concerns.

If the couple’s relationship deteriorates and leads to a divorce, the family unit will disintegrate. In 2021, the divorce rate in Hong Kong and the UK was about 30% and 42%, respectively. Even with shared custody, the incomplete family setting will pose a challenge, especially for teens grappling with puberty.

Parent-children’s relationships

Parents must assume responsibility and take care of their problems. They need to be in control but should patiently explain their challenges to their children. Demonstrating resilience and strong willpower will not only help them withstand the storm but will also create a good role model for their children to follow.

Parents can instil some of their core values in their children by explaining their rationale to them while being understanding and receptive to theirs. Parents should demonstrate to their children how to treat others by respecting their views and choices. Within the family, the love and care are best conveyed by being present, with encouraging and supportive attitudes and actions. When breadwinner, usually the father, is busy at work and leaves most parenting responsibilities to his wife, children may view him as an absent father. To remedy that, he should make a conscious effort to be present and participate in his children’s key milestones – birthdays, performances, graduations, and family events and other activities. One-on-one interactions are equally as important, ideally in person, but if not possible then via video or phone calls.

I started reading positive psychology and parenting books in my 40s when I found raising children not so straightforward. I also felt I needed to help my husband to become more open-minded in order to cope with our children’s evolving personalities, changing attitudes and growing demands. Solving every problem wasn’t easy for me so, but I put effort into communicating, learning and reflecting. Parenting remains an ongoing challenge for me in my children’s growing journey.

Sibling relationships

It is a balancing act for parents to love but not spoil their children and maintain fairness among siblings. Parents should do their best to ensure siblings get along. They must convey to their children that they should support each other in their lives because their parents will probably leave the world earlier.

When my daughter was small, she asked for a sibling. She said she preferred a sister but accepted a brother as she felt bored when I was not at home. When I had my son, I was concerned she would be jealous because of losing some of our attention. Therefore, I explained to her that having a younger brother would generate more love for her because she would have three people – mami, daddy and younger brother – to love her.

When handling conflicts, it is important for parents to separate the siblings and explain different perspectives to them while allowing them space and time to let their emotions subside and reflect. It is better to let them solve their problems by themselves.

Interaction between various mindsets

It is unlikely that mindsets of all family members will be a perfect match, but differences can create positive changes and constructive interactions. When one parent and one child have a growth mindset while another parent and child have a fixed mindset, their approach to resolving conflicts, understanding perspectives, and tackling life’s challenges will vary significantly, but with openness and communication they can still learn from each other.

I have analysed four types of family dynamics that interact by different mindsets, leading to complex relationships:

1) In the top left corner, a growth mindset parent will create the best synergy with a growth mindset children as both parties are willing to learn, grow and broaden their perspectives, therefore, their ways of thinking can overlap.

2) At the bottom left corner, a parent with a growth mindset can guide their fixed-mindset children and help them to cultivate a growth mindset with patience and continuous effort.

3) In the top right corner, a fixed-mindset parent will find it hard to connect with a growth-mindset children because of their seniority and superiority, they are inclined to trust themselves and likely to impose their beliefs onto others. On the flip side, a growth-mindset children can understand their fixed-mindset parent but cannot change them. If so, estrangement in a parent-children relationship is likely to happen.

4) Finally, at the bottom right corner, a fixed-mindset parent and a fixed-mindset children will be less receptive to each other’s perspectives, and it will be difficult to understand each other. Here, chances of a meaningful dialogue are low.

Source: Winner Lee Mindvigation

As a growth mindset is pivotal to overcome adversity in life and to survive well during the AI era, helping our children to cultivate a growth mindset is imperative. A fixed mindset parents can never help their children to cultivate a growth mindset. Therefore, parents must cultivate a growth mindset themselves.

Family decisions and life choices

Major family decisions are usually made by parents. As for children’s life choices, parents should let their children decide, otherwise, parents will take away their learning opportunities. Instead of letting them make random choices, we can teach them how to make decisions: 1) by collecting information from the internet, and friends and teachers who have relevant experiences, 2) by comparing pros and cons, 3) by considering personal preferences and limitations, and 4) estimating potential consequences. They will gain autonomy and accountability for their choices. We can remind them that they should put in the effort to make their choice become the right decision. As a result, they can gain confidence in making right decisions and can learn from mistakes.

It is essential to remember that children are individuals with their personalities and goals and attempts to steer them towards a path they don’t like is not respecting who they are. Ultimately, it they yield to parental pressure, they may end up betraying themselves, leading to unhappiness and regret.

Lead the team to grow together

When I studied Human Design Level 1 and Nurture courses in 2017-18 in Hong Kong, some young lovers and couples learned together. Enhancing understanding of themselves and other family members, and realising their differences are critical to improve acceptance and harmony. Although I was alone, my deepening understanding and continuing to study coaching and enriching knowledge in positive psychology is beneficial to my family.

In fact, everyone should put effort into learning and growth as there is always room for improvement. In my experience, explaining various perspectives to different family members can help to improve understanding and narrowing differences, leading to compromise and cooperation.

Seek external help

To advance harmony in a family setting, couples must cultivate a growth mindset and lead their children to learn and grow together. Equipping yourself with knowledge, adding perspectives and expanding horizons will stimulate your creativity in generating out-of-the-box solutions for handling personal and family problems.

I hope you can go through this challenging time smoothly. If necessary, seek external resources such as family therapists and coaches. They can help bringing new perspectives, help deepen understanding of each other and explore optimal ways to overcome hurdles.

Winner Lee Mindvigation

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FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS – MUTUAL LEARNING AND GROWTH