A challenging and rebellious stage
I
believe most parents will agree that children at the puberty stage are
extremely challenging. That’s when hormonal changes bring in a lot of turmoil
and doubt about who they are, their outlook and emotions. As they try to find
their place in the world, they strive for more autonomy and no longer want to
follow their parents’ instructions and advice. It's important to acknowledge
their growing independence and recognize it will come at a cost of mistakes.
Instead of forcing our children to follow our ways, parents should spend time
learning and growing to become more open-minded and accommodating.
I
began reading about parenting in my early 40s, starting with Chinese books.
After moving to the UK, I expanded my reading to include parenting books in
English. It is essential for parents to cultivate a growth mindset by enhancing
knowledge, broadening their perspectives, and expanding their horizons. This
approach fosters greater acceptance and understanding of their children.
I
once watched a YouTube video in which a psychologist shared his view that
parents’ main role is to provide unconditional love to their children while
teaching them is secondary.
Applying coaching techniques
In
the coaching world, unlike mentoring or consulting, we emphasize a
non-directive approach by not advising. The coaching process hinges on
attentive listening and focuses on asking powerful questions to guide and
support individuals in raising their self-awareness, enabling them to reflect
and find solutions. This gives them more autonomy and accountability for their
own choices. I try to incorporate my coaching techniques into my parenting, to
focus on guiding, inspiring, encouraging and supporting my children.
Understanding your
children
Some
children are obedient and cooperative, some are more determined to follow their
ways. We must use different ways to nurture different children. I share below
methods I used to understand my children.
1. Human Design. I learned about this concept in 2017-18 when I searched for ways to understand better myself and my children's innate potential and traits. This process led to increased acceptance and a better understanding of my children and raised my awareness of our differences. I realised I could not impose my values and beliefs onto them.
3. Multiple
intelligences. This assessment can help to identify
strengths, such as musical/rhythmic, visual/spatial, verbal/linguistic,
logical/mathematical, bodily/kinesthetic, interpersonal, intrapersonal and
naturalistic. We can also distinguish by observing their behaviour and
performance in different subjects. Helping children explore and recognise
their strengths helps them gain confidence and embrace their weaknesses.
It is essential to encourage them to put effort into developing their
strengths and improving their weaknesses so that they can grow into a
better self.
4. Values assessment. This helps them to identify their values so that they can understand what matters most to them. By discussing and understanding their values we can also explain the rationale of our values to them, this is a way to narrow our discrepancies. For example, I explained to my daughter why I put financial stability as one of my top values because it is essential to fulfil our basic living and their education.
Controlling desires
Although
we love them, we cannot give them everything they want when they want.
Sometimes, we need to say “no” to help them control their desires and train
their patience. When our children are small, their desires are small, and we
can fulfil them easily. During their teenage years, as their exposure to the
outside world increases, they are tempted by many things. This is when we must
help them understand limited resources and unlimited wants and educate them
about the value of money. We can help them to differentiate needs and
wants. Giving them whatever they want, will make them take everything for
granted and unable to recognize and appreciate their resources and advantages.
Aligning parenting style with your
spouse or partner
Due to the different personalities
and values, the parenting style of each parent will be different. Couples can't
agree fully all the time, but they should aim to align certain critical values
when nurturing their children. There is no perfect scenario, but parents must
keep communicating to reach a consensus.
Training them to be
responsible and independent
Parents
should encourage children to take responsibility for their belongings and tasks
from an early age. Constantly assisting children in their daily lives has two
significant drawbacks: firstly, it results in parents being overwhelmed by
shouldering excessive responsibilities and workloads; secondly, it makes
children too dependent and deprives them of valuable learning experiences.
Allow them to make mistakes without detrimental outcomes and teach them about
remedies.
Teaching
accountability
Parents
should teach their children to be accountable for their choices and responsible
for the consequences. To teach our children to make the best decisions for
themselves, we must raise their awareness of understanding themselves and
available options. Understanding themselves is about their values, strengths
and weaknesses, preferences and constraints. To help them evaluate available
options, we can teach them about gathering information, comparing cons and
pros, cross-referencing and rating their choices. Information sourcing should
not rely solely on the internet. Encourage them to seek advice from teachers or
friends who have relevant experience.
I
remind my children to ensure they understand the rationale behind suggestions
they receive, because what applies to others may not apply to them. In
addition, they must avoid delegating decision-making to others as only they,
not anybody else, have a full grasp of the situation. They should also own the
mistakes they made and avoid blaming others for their own wrong choices because
it is unconstructive and meaningless. Instead, they should take it as a
learning opportunity and reflect on how to prevent the same mistake.
It
is critical to allow our children to make their own choices about their GCSE,
A-Levels and university because they are the ones to study. We can discuss
different options and suggest they talk to those who studied the subjects to
gain some insights. I stress to my children that the choices are theirs to
make, and consequences are theirs to face. I remind them no matter what they
choose, they must put their best effort to make their choices become correct decisions.
Reserve the
bullets, choose the right battle
I
encourage parents to give children autonomy after teaching them how to make
decisions. However, in situations which could create a lasting detrimental
impact, we can consider intervening. We must choose the right battles. If we
respect their choices most of the time, they will be more willing to listen to
us if we step in. Having said that, if they insist on making what in our eyes
is a wrong choice, we still need to respect it and provide support when
necessary. If they fail, this is the time they can learn from their mistakes.
If they succeed, we should give them credit and admit our misjudgement.
Be a role model
Children
are more likely to imitate their parents' actions than follow their verbal
instructions. Therefore, parents must set a positive example through their
behaviour. By demonstrating the right values and a healthy lifestyle, parents
can inspire their children's development positively and profoundly. This
includes showing traits such as unconditional kindness, hard work, honesty,
respect and taking responsibility. Additionally, parents can instil healthy
habits by eating nutritious foods, maintaining a regular sleep schedule, and
exercising regularly. It is difficult for parents to teach their children if
their actions don't align with their verbal instructions, especially when
their children grow into teenagers and adults.
For example, if a parent is lazy but asks children to work hard, they
won't be motivated. Trust and respect must be earned, not because of our
position as their parents, but because of our attitude and behaviour. I wish to
be a good role model for my children by demonstrating to them it is beneficial to
1) be lifetime learners, 2) keep calm when faced with problems, 3) be bold when
tackling challenges, 4) persevere amid difficulties.
Mutual respect
To
raise our children, we must respect them as individuals and treat them as our
friends, especially when they grow up. We must respect their personal space and
preferences. In return, they are likely to treat us similarly. Mutual respect
is a cornerstone of a healthy and harmonious relationship.
Our responsibility, no perfect
parents
We cannot help and protect our
children forever; we must teach them to protect and take care of themselves. It
is the parents’ responsibility to train children to be independent. This is a
prolonged and unscripted process. Finding the ways that suit them is vital.
During the process, we can celebrate success and analyse mistakes. Indeed,
parenting is also a learning journey for the parent. There is no perfect child
or mum or dad. Even if we believe we are perfect; we may not be ideal from our
children’s point of view.
Handover to the School of Life
From conversations with my
friends, I know we all encounter various parenting challenges which generate
feelings of frustration, disheartenment, self-doubt, and a sense of failure.
Parenting is a challenging journey, but I assure you that you are not alone.
Treat it as a learning experience and keep reflecting in order to improve.
Encouraging
and supportive parental attitudes will motivate the children. We can sow ideas
like seeds, but we don’t know if and when they will grow. At some point, we
should hand off and let the School of Life take over. We should not do more
than they need, otherwise, they may resent us. We will also take away their
learning opportunity. We can switch to a standby mode and give support whenever
necessary.
Recalling our own growing journey,
we realize how we have been evolving through the stages of our lives, how we
learned from mistakes, setbacks or difficult people. This is the time we come
to understand how our parents worried about us.
Winner Lee
Life Coach,
Mentor, Writer
The original article was published on LinkedIn on January 27, 2025.
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