What Truly Matters?
Communication is key, but what else?
Enhancing communication is critical to improving
relationships. Clear and successful communication relies on individuals’
ability to articulate themselves, to listen to and comprehend what is said. It
is not only about skills, but it requires the willingness of the speaker to
express themselves authentically and of the receiver to listen attentively. A
true connection emerges as a result of attentive listening, non-judgemental
communication and empathy, and leads to rapport and mutual trust.
Two-way communication
Communication is a key component of interpersonal skills,
and two-way communication is essential in any relationship. To create efficient
dialogue, both parties should take turns to transmit information. Conducting a
conversation seems easy but many people fail at meaningful exchanges because
they lack presentation, attentive listening and comprehension skills as well as
the willingness to express themselves authentically.
Firstly, one must articulate their ideas clearly and
elaborate further if necessary. This is because people of different knowledge
and backgrounds may not have similar levels of information or share similar
thoughts. “Common sense is not common”,
therefore, one cannot assume others have similar thoughts. Patience and clarity
are vital.
Secondly, one must listen attentively and allow the other
party to fully express themselves. It is important not to interrupt before the
other finishes speaking and be empathetic and non-judgemental. Attentive
listening is a skill that isn't instinctive for most and needs honing.
Finally, it is vital to comprehend the content; listening to
understand and waiting for your turn to speak makes a huge difference. To
guarantee understanding, it is best to paraphrase, ask relevant questions, or
request elaboration. Miscommunication happens when the speaker thinks they have
expressed themselves clearly and the listener believes they have understood the
content entirely; but in fact, either or both have not.
Having those skills still does not guarantee effective
communication. The willingness of both
parties to express themselves authentically is more important. I had some
experiences where someone’s explanation didn’t make sense, which made me
believe they may not be honest with me. Therefore, I believe building rapport
and developing a trusting relationship is vital to effective communication.
In a close relationship, deeper understanding requires
deeper communication. Disagreements are normal in any relationship, while in a
close relationship, individuals wish to fight for their viewpoints to derive a
consensus on various aspects that matter to them. In such a conversation,
open-mindedness and patience are critical to understanding other’s
perspectives. Arguments happen when individuals cannot control their emotions,
raising their voices, shouting out their opinions, and saying inappropriate things
that they wouldn’t say in normal circumstances. This can be hurtful and will
undermine the relationship. The best way to handle disagreements is to give
each other space, wait for emotions to subside and then attempt to analyse the
points of contention rationally.
Handling disagreements requires both parties to be
open-minded and rational. If both parties treasure each other, they must put
effort into improving their communication and comprehension. If one party
exhibits their willingness to express themselves honestly, there is a high
chance of eliciting the other party to do the same.
Non-judgemental communication
Everyone perceives the world differently. Our personality,
upbringing, education, knowledge, and experiences shape our values and belief
systems; everyone is unique. As a result, understanding and accepting
differences among individuals is crucial.
During a conversation, the speaker articulates while the
listener comprehends. How the listener perceives the information depends on
their personality, comprehension skills and perception of the topic. However,
to receive information effectively the listener needs a non-judgmental
attitude, which requires putting one’s personal views aside and focusing on
understanding others’ perspectives. It promotes open-mindedness, authenticity,
empathy, and acceptance, therefore, fostering deeper understanding and connection
between individuals.
Listening attentively doesn’t guarantee empathy - the
ability to paraphrase to show our understanding, ask relevant questions and
exhibit appropriate body language (nod head, eye contact or friendly touch)
manifest understanding and empathy. A true connection occurs when the speaker
feels the listener understands, cares and values them. This encourages the
speaker to express their deeper thoughts and feelings, leading to a deeper
connection.
Two-way non-judgemental communication can enhance any
relationship. In close relationships, such as those between partners, parents
and children, or among close friends, it can create a deeper understanding and
connection. Deep connections enhance our emotional fulfilment. Most people wish
to have a soulmate, be it a friend or a lover, someone who can connect with
them on a deeper level. However, it is not easy to find one.
Cementing mutual trust
Mutual trust is helpful in any relationship, while in close
relationships, such as among couples, family, friendships and business
partners, trust is crucial.
Mutual trust is the foundation of long-term relationships.
If trust goes only in one direction, the relationship is hard to
sustain. Trust means “to believe
that someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is
safe and reliable” (Oxford Dictionary).
Deciding whether someone is trustworthy and reliable is a
long process that requires observation and direct interaction. Others’ opinions
may play a part, but the deciding factor is our own experience of whether the
person can walk their talk, is credible and dependable. Therefore, developing a
trustful relationship takes time; while sustaining it requires mutual loyalty.
Betrayals erode and eventually break trust.
To sustain a positive and healthy intimate relationship
Most people wish to find someone to love and be loved by. In
the beginning, mutual attraction ignites the relationship. Spending time
together deepens mutual understanding and connection. Indeed, all relationships
begin with projections and assumptions, which are gradually verified via
interaction and observation over time.
Maintaining healthy and long-lasting relationships requires
both parties to treasure each other and put in effort. People with different
personalities, values and preferences come together while having different
needs and expectations toward each other at various points in time. The closer
the relationship, the higher the demands and expectations.
In a healthy and long-lasting relationship, authenticity,
loyalty, love, care, trust, respect, and support must be exhibited in both
directions. Proclamations of love need to be confirmed by actions. To
strengthen the love, spending quality time together is essential. Activities
such as dining out in a nice restaurant, giving thoughtful gifts, experiencing
travel and adventures, cultivating the same hobbies, and engaging in deep and
meaningful conversations can help tighten the connection.
On the other hand, in disagreements, constant communication
with willingness to compromise and narrow differences is needed. There is no Mr
Perfect or Miss Perfect as everyone has weaknesses. No relationship is perfect
and zero hurt is impossible. Therefore, the willingness to apologise and fix
and improve the relationship is needed, followed by acceptance, inclusion and
forgiveness. Harmony and feeling comfortable are crucial. To treasure the
relationship, both parties must show gratitude and appreciation for each
other’s love, care, and support.
Conflicts in a close relationship drain lots of energy and
affect internal peace. Some people prefer avoiding conflict and choosing not to
reveal their thoughts to maintain their relationship. These unresolved issues
may erode the relationship and lead to irreversible damage. Therefore, it is beneficial
to keep the dialogue open, and articulate issues.
Writing heartfelt letters and conducting difficult
conversations leading to better understanding in terms of values and common
ground is helpful. Voicing out requires courage and exposing of vulnerabilities
and needs respect and acceptance. The goal is to compromise or narrow
differences, which requires involvement by both parties. If one initiates a
difficult conversation but is ignored by the other side, it is likely to lead
to distrust and undermine the relationship.
If conflicts between couples and parent-children cannot be
solved by the parties involved, it is worth seeking help of professionals such
as psychologists, relationship and family coaches. Some people are reluctant to
seek external help believing they can handle the issues themselves.
Psychologists and coaches can help provide new perspectives and find ways to
enhance communication and comprehension.
Self-love is pivotal in a relationship
One must know how to love themselves before they know how to
love others. Self-love is to care for and value ourselves. It involves
recognising and appreciating our own worth and accepting our strengths and
weaknesses. Self-love is not about selfishness but about prioritizing and
taking care of one’s emotional and physical needs.
Individuals need boundaries to delineate their personal
space and protect their inner peace; it is like an invisible fence to safeguard
when people are getting too close. Therefore, especially in close
relationships, setting, communicating, and protecting boundaries is crucial to
sustaining long-term relationships. Respect of these boundaries is paramount.
One must guard their boundaries firmly by saying “no” to things that they
cannot manage or are not comfortable with, to avoid being overwhelmed. Remember,
we don't have to accommodate every request and accepting that we have limits
and acknowledging that only a balanced life can be sustainable is vital.
In healthy relationships, individuals need to be independent
in taking care of themselves instead of relying on others. Even in a close
relationship, one cannot be too dependent – it is important to have shared time
and reserve one's own time and space. It is equally as important to respect
others’ priorities, careers, family, friendships and passions. Individuals
should aim for a balanced life instead of putting all the attention on their
lovers, which can be overwhelming for them. Monitoring and controlling are not
the way to gain love, while having confidence in the relationship is.
What if a relationship doesn’t work?
A positive relationship is pivotal to one’s happiness; a
toxic relationship affects one’s mental and physical health. The intention of
starting an intimate relationship is to love and be loved, hoping to build a
supportive partnership in life. However, when the rapport wanes and efforts to
repair fail, ending the relationship and seeking a better life and inner peace
can be a viable solution. Indeed, it is better to be peaceful alone than in
turmoil together. Ending a relationship is not the end of the world; everyone
deserves to be loved, cared and respected and to live happily.
In case of a betrayal and broken trust, if either side wants
to leave, it is sensible to accept it and move on. There may be many negative
emotions that requires time to address but ultimately, it is rational to quit a
toxic relationship elegantly. Life must go on, leaving someone who doesn’t
treasure you and the relationship means cutting out negativity and creating
space for someone better or more suitable.
Usually, conflicts arise when the values of both parties do
not align. If both parties have been putting effort into communicating, but
still cannot compromise, then a breakup is a logical solution. It is sensible
to be rational in saying goodbye to wish others well, the aim is to end a
relationship comfortably and maturely rather than torturing each other to
create further hurt. It is better to move on than stay entangled in an
unhealthy relationship.
Communication skills are helpful, mutual trust is a must
Improving relationships requires enhancing communication and
contributions by both parties; rapport and mutual trust are the foundation.
Further Reading
Readers can refer to some relevant articles in my previous
publications – “Priming Better Relationships and Self-Improvement” and
“Mastering Self-Love - Tips to Enhance Wellbeing”.
Winner Lee
Life Coach, Mentor, Writer
The original article was published on LinkedIn on April 14, 2025.
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