GIVE AND TAKE AT WORK AND IN PERSONAL LIFE

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Strive For A Better Balance

Give and take approaches in a workplace

Givers’ approach

I read Adam Grant’s “Give and Take” some time ago. His goal is to encourage givers to stay giving without becoming doormats. He concluded that givers could become outperformers if they can protect themselves from being consumed; those who allow helping others affect their work quality will become worse performers.

For givers, their equilibrium state is giving more than receiving as giving is blessing to them; they are happy to support others and are dedicated to contributing more to achieving better outcomes. Their inclination to give prompts others to contribute, therefore, leading to more contributions and creating better synergy. Givers who are willing to give unconditionally with no expectation of reward, can build goodwill and trust, and establish good reputations and relationships, sustaining long-term success.

During my professional journey, I was always giving my helping hand to colleagues in the form of advice, analysis, support and encouragement. However, I was also aware of the need to distinguish whether people wanted to learn and hone their skills, or just to pass their job to others. I was enthusiastic about helping others to improve the workflow and ultimately benefit the whole team’s overall output, but I also knew how to kindly turn down some unreasonable requests.

Contributing to teamwork can facilitate collaboration, elicit others to contribute and create synergy; this will enhance the overall team performance. The giving approach emphasises incorporating boundaries so that we can dedicate our spare capacity to helping others while protecting ourselves from being overwhelmed.

As a giver, I contributed at work whatever I could without expecting anything in return. I wished to create a harmonious working environment so that my colleagues were happy to work together. As I was rather efficient, it usually wouldn’t cost me too much time to help others. Besides, helping without considering how much I could benefit or receive afterwards allowed me to work in a very relaxed mode. The goal was to create a pleasant working environment for myself and others and develop a good rapport with most of my colleagues. This earned me a reputation of someone easy to work with and resulted in occasional pleasant surprises from colleagues – presents, and meal or birthday celebration.

Matchers’ approach

In a highly competitive working environment, many people are sceptical about contributing and care most about how their work is seen and recognised. Most people are concerned about whether they can gain reciprocal benefits after they contribute. Once rewarded, they may want to give back. This is the matcher’s behaviour – aiming for fairness between give and take.

In other words, they are inclined to be calculating and concerned about how much they can receive after giving. If they anticipate they will not receive much, they will not bother to give. Their values, their internal gauge, are likely about justice and fairness.

Takers’ approach

Takers are those inclined to take more but give less or give the least. Their goal is to invest minimum effort but to generate maximum return. They usually gain short-term benefits but find it difficult to build sustainable friendships and gain trust. Indeed, takers find it hard to gain advantage from matchers because if matchers believe they cannot receive anything in return, they will not bother to give.

Takers will try to keep taking advantage of givers especially those who haven’t set boundaries or don’t know how to say no. However, once they find the giver is no longer willing to help, they will move on and find another giver to help.

With time, takers tend to burn bridges and develop bad reputations within a corporation. Concerned about takers taking all credit in a team, their teammates are inclined to be very cautious when working with them. As a result, the overall team performance will be negatively impacted.

Givers are in demand

No matter givers, matchers, or takers, everyone prefers to work with givers. Givers’ willingness to contribute fosters stronger synergies within a team. However, it is the givers’ responsibility to set clear boundaries to protect themselves from being over-consumed by takers. Leaders tend to hire team players, often givers, who prioritise team success over personal gain. When I worked in an investment bank, most colleagues were team players, and while takers did exist, they were not the majority. Management sometimes relied on takers to deliver short-term results, rather than waiting for givers to build sustainable long-term success.

Balancing act in personal life

Simple friendships

Along our life journey, we met different friends. We usually get along with those who share our interests, passions, values or dreams. Therefore, friendships usually develop when both parties feel happy spending time together and participating in common-interest activities. During the early stage of our lives, at schools and universities, we had limited money but plenty of time, so we shared costs and devoted time to support each other without considering too much about give and take as long as there was mutual care and respect. Sustainable friendships are usually based on balanced give and take in various forms. For example, a friend taught us something or helped us with something, and we reciprocated by cooking them a meal.

Connecting people

My editor suggested to me writing about my role in connecting people after I brought a common friend to visit her in London. She thought I had a trait facilitating connections between people. She remembered I once organised lunch in Hong Kong to bring them together after they lost touch. Organising such activities is one of my ways of giving.

I usually act as an organiser of my family and friends’ activities. Bringing people together gives me joy and fulfilment. When my children were small, I organised gatherings and outings with their friends. It requires self-motivation and consumes lots of energy so most people do not bother. I like generating ideas, putting time, effort and money into organising events for everyone to enjoy. I am always delighted to see people engaging with each other.

Since relocating to the UK, my husband and I occasionally organised trips with some other families to Wales and Scotland, and a few skis trips in Scotland and France.

My past self was more energetic, but nowadays I am less motivated or focused on social events as I prioritise my health and family. I adopted the “Less is more” philosophy and placed more emphasis on quality. I prefer meeting good old friends who ignite inspiration and enjoy deeper conversations without judgement. In fact, after doing the MBTI test a few years ago, I discovered I am an ambivert – a mix of extrovert and introvert (my MBTI result is 54%:46%), but not an extreme extrovert. This result has raised my awareness that I need to strike a healthy balance between meeting people and reserving me time to recover my energy. During solitude, I can engage in my passions of learning, reading, writing and making albums.

Close friendships

Close friendships mean deep cherished connections and eagerness to spending quality time together. Celebrating birthdays, exchanging thoughtful presents and devoting time and support to each other help reinforce the relationship. A healthy balancing act in give and take helps sustain such relationships long-term.

After Covid, my husband and I had travelled with two good friends separately to Wales, Spain and Portugal. After the trips, I spent time making albums to record the wonderful memories and share with them. I regarded these as thoughtful and priceless presents.

Intimate relationships

Due to a close relationship, the demand for each other is relatively high. However, there is an emotional attachment in the relationship, therefore, it is not simple maths in terms of give and take. Some people don’t mind giving a lot without expecting too much in return. Therefore, exactly how much to give and receive is hard to determine. There is no correct formula, and how much is worth devoting is very personal.

I believe if both parties cherish the relationship, then both must devote time and effort to maintain it. Mutual love, care, respect and trust are the foundation.

In addition, understanding your partner or lover’s love language and delivering the most appropriate actions is critical, whether it is words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch (Dr. Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages). Expressing your love in the way that matters to them is imperative. To express love appropriately, one must identify what their partner values most - compliments and recognition, help and support, thoughtful presents, quality time, travel together or respect of their personal space.

Family relationships

Parents usually devote their resources – love, time, energy and money to their children unconditionally, without expecting too much in return. They wish them to study hard, find a good job and become a good and responsible adult. Some parents may need their children to contribute to family finances when they go out to work, which must be communicated and agreed. In different family settings, there are different expectations in terms of give and take. Every member can contribute in various forms to the family.

To strengthen our family bond, I enjoy arranging family trips to new destinations and creating shared experiences and lasting memories. Many years ago, when my daughter was small, she requested us to ride a gondola at the Venetian Hotel shopping mall in Macau, but at the time, I felt it wasn’t worth it. Recently, during our trip to Italy, we finally experienced a real gondola ride in Venice. It was a shared experience and a wonderful memory for all of us. While we only provide our children with basic products and do not value luxuries, we have enriched their lives with many travel experiences.

Avoid being extreme givers or takers

I advocate striving better balance in terms of give and take in personal relationships. Therefore, givers and matchers should be able to sustain healthy and long-term relationships, while takers must reflect to give fairly and authentically, otherwise, they will find it difficult to establish to proper relationships.

Givers should follow their heart to give but must prioritise their physical and mental needs. They must set boundaries, avoid being a people pleaser, protect their inner peace to prevent feeling overwhelmed and overly consumed. It is fine to say “no” to things that are inappropriate and cause discomfort.

Matchers advocate fairness so they get along with givers and matchers, but they should have no takers in their friend list. However, it is hard to estimate what exactly needs to be returned after giving, therefore, they may be disappointed if they cannot get reciprocal benefit. They probably emphasis whether it is a fair deal than cherish the friendship, concerns about unfair exchanges may make them hesitate to give.

Takers, on the other hand, should reflect, if they treasure relationships, they cannot take it for granted to receive and not willing to give; learning and practicing gratitude and appreciation are needed.

Give-and-take behaviour can be learned, improved and changed; raising self-awareness and reflection can help everyone to attain a better balance that they are comfortable with.

Winner Lee Mindvigation

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