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Turning adversity into growth

Positive Mindset

Happiness and unhappiness come from one’s mind and stem from how we perceive events around us. Viewing life through a positive lens reveals positivity, while a negative lens highlights only negativity. Stay optimistic and positive: change your thoughts to change your life.

To move on let go of pain

Dwelling on past pain is extremely unhealthy and detrimental. When someone hurts you, they probably hurt you once, but ruminating reinforces the memory and creates more suffering. Remind yourself to forgive and forget, then move on.

Changing perspectives is helpful in this process. Treat it as a lesson teaching us something valuable for ourselves. Maybe we were too nice, giving too much, too naïve, and unaware how to protect ourselves and set boundaries. Instead of blaming others, focus on the lessons and avoid repeating the same mistake. Such experiences help us gain wisdom and prepare us for challenges ahead.

My dad used to run a garment factory with his elder brother. When he was in his 40s, his brother (my uncle) asked him to leave their company, and my granddad supported my uncle’s decision. My dad was very upset, as he admired my uncle and valued him as his best sibling. This betrayal hurt their brotherhood. In the following years, he recounted the experience to many people. It was then that I realised that repeating a sad story was neither helpful nor healthy. I agreed that expressing his feelings was important but keeping repeating them was rather painful. After many years, although he talked less about the incident, I knew he still harboured a lot of grief and carried his pain till he died.

I had a similar experience when my company wanted to change my role to a compliance officer. It took me a weekend to accept and move on. I reasoned that I was too creative to do this job, and that the management failed to appreciate my strengths and value. Indeed, after seeing many management reshuffles I was always aware that one day it may happen to me. I also understood that I was not that important to the company, but I was pivotal to my children, that a happy mum is essential to their happiness. My dad’s misery had a negative impact on my mother, my siblings and myself, so I always reminded myself to stay optimistic and positive. Fortunately, I already had an idea to become a Life Coach although I had no firm plan at the time. I thanked my younger self for starting to read in my early 40s and cultivate a flexible mindset. One of my favourite writers, Annie Chiang, inspired me to be a blogger. I was excited and looking forward to my new adventure.

It is always easier said than done. If someone we care about has betrayed or hurt us, our emotional selves will be upset and will need healing to move on. We should be aware that we must allow the process to take place and accept that it will take time for our memory to fade. Living in the past is torturing, and we shouldn’t give power to others to control us. Meditation, diverting attention to reset our thoughts and shifting our focus to our passions can help as along the path of healing and recovery.

When confronted with an unexpected event, acceptance is vital, while ruminating, overthinking or blaming others is unconstructive. Staying optimistic, moving on or exploring solutions to find a way out will bring hope and happiness. Indeed, leaving a place or people that are unsuitable for us frees up space for something or someone better. This is positive reframing, using a positive lens to view negative events and raise awareness of positive outcomes. The shift in perspectives will give us a refreshed view of our situation.

Don’t worry about the future

When something bad happens, further projecting of even worse scenarios will lead to frustration and anxiety. In fact, worrying cannot prevent something from happening but will take away our joy at present. We can focus on our actions, which are in our control, to achieve best outcomes, and we can adopt the go-with-the-flow wisdom to accept outcomes which are out of our control.

Usually, pessimists worry a lot and are inclined to spend time ruminating which might lead to anxiety and depression. Remember that it is your decision to choose what to think, train your brain to focus on positive events, explore solutions and any action plan to gain back autonomy.

Live in the present

Live in the present and forget about dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Enjoy moments with friends and family, walking in nature or engaging in passions, absorbing positive and beautiful things in life. If you immerse yourself in something you are passionate about, you forget about the passage of time.

Gratitude and appreciation

Gratitude involves expressing thanks and appreciating positive events that happen to us. The greater our sense of gratitude, the more likely we are to attract positive experiences into our lives.

Our desires are never ending but try to be content and grateful for what you have. Some people view acquiring possessions as a source of happiness. This works only short term. Cherish good relationships – close friendships, partners and family. Pursuing amazing experiences that create good memories rather than chasing a materialistic life is key to sustainable satisfaction.

Fulfilling your love and belonging and esteem needs

According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, two higher levels of needs are love and belonging, and esteem needs. Love and belonging are emotional and interpersonal needs that lead to feelings of connection and support which can be generated from positive and deeper relationships; it is more about quality than quantity. Esteem needs are related to self-worth, accomplishment and respect. The don't necessarily come from a successful career or business but can be generated from personal growth and passion goals. For example, some people complete marathons, some walk famous trails, some gain education and new qualifications later in their lives. Those are challenging goals; accomplishment will bring in strong fulfilment.

Take back control – love yourself

Don’t rely on others to love you because whether they will at all and the extent to which they may are out of your control. Indeed, no one is obligated to love or take care of you — which is why we should deeply appreciate those who choose to do so. Remember that even if no one loves you, you must love yourself. Take good care of your physical and emotional needs, before you help others. If you are filled with energy, positivity and good spirit, you will attract people, they will crave your company and positive energy. However, if you are filled with negativity, misery, and complaining, it will take lots of effort for someone to rescue you, and most will stay away from you. Reserve “me” time to enjoy activities alone to restore your internal energy.

From pessimism to optimism

Many situations are temporary, although we never know how long they will last. In this ever-changing and complex world, we need to be aware that change is natural and frequent. To navigate changes, individuals need strong adaptability, high emotional intelligence, resilience, flexible mindset, strong problem-solving skills, and effective time and stress management.

“Learned Optimism” is the textbook of the Positive Psychology course at the University of Oxford (Oxford University Department for Continuing Education) that I took at end-February. The book was written by Dr. Martin Seligman, who is the father of Positive Psychology.

Explanatory Style

According to the book, optimism can be learned. Dr. Seligman found that those with depression are pessimistic, and he believes pessimism is a risk factor for depression. Optimists trust that bad events are temporary, specific, and external, and they will be able to explore solutions and find the way out. Pessimists think bad events are permanent, pervasive, and personal, which prevents them from seeking solutions and lead to the feeling of helplessness, and depression.

On the flip side, optimists believe good events are permanent, pervasive and personal, and that they can influence them by own actions and effort. Pessimists lack confidence and are inclined to downplay good events and attribute them to external and temporary causes.

Source: Learned Optimism

Optimism will make one happier, and healthier, more successful and resilient. Optimists are able achieve goals and dare to overcome life difficulties, challenges or setbacks.

When one is facing adversity, having an optimistic mindset is vital. Trusting that the challenging time is temporary and will pass is like walking through a dark tunnel and believing that some light will appear towards the end regardless of how long it takes to walk. With a forward-looking and solution-focused attitude, and a never-give-up spirit, find the way out is just a matter of time.

Optimism is a critical first step in overcoming adversity and building resilience. As Dr Seligman mentioned, being pessimistic can lead to depression. Therefore, if one can shift from being pessimistic to optimistic, one can avoid depression and have a much happier and more satisfying life.

Balance perspective

Pessimistic thinking often comes from our emotional brain, so it makes sense to engage our rational brain to analyse the situation for a more balanced perspective. During my role as a strategist to analyse global dynamics, my methodology was usually assigning each situation based on three possible scenarios: 1) best case, 2) base case, and 3) worst case, and then assigned probabilities to each scenario. This approach helps you avoid fixating on the worst-case scenario and projecting it as the only possible outcome.

When my daughter was anxious about her A-level results which would determine her university choice, her thoughts became quite negative. To help her gain perspective, I used Excel to assign probabilities to the grades she might receive in each subject and then analyse the possible overall outcomes. I aimed to let her see the bigger picture: the most likely outcome was her core scenario, with the possibility of achieving her best case and only a small chance of resulting in her worst case. Then, we concluded that even in the worst-case scenario, she could still select other universities or subjects in the clearing process, which implied she still had plenty of options. Finally, she got into her favourite university without spending her summer worrying.

Writing various scenarios down helps to visualise outcomes and clarify mental clutter, preventing fixation on the worst outcome and the feeling of being overwhelmed.

Readers who want to deepen their understanding of how to change from pessimism to optimism can refer to the book “Learned Optimism”. The book also includes assessments to test you and your children about optimism and depression. For the optimism assessment, my hopeful score was 1, indicating “extraordinarily hopeful”; and an overall score of 10 confirming that I am “very optimistic”.

External resources

Those who find themselves entangled in a problem that seems to have no way out, should consider seeking support from professionals such as therapists or coaches. Remember your struggle stems from your thoughts about your problem, not from the problem itself. Experts can help shift perspectives and guide toward a refreshed way of viewing obstacles and toward identifying solutions.

Winner Lee Mindvigation

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CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVES: CHANGE YOUR LIFE