Recommended Reading - The Let Them Theory

Recommended Reading - The Let Them Theory

Focus on what we can control and influence, and accept what lies beyond our reach.

One of my coaches recently shared “The Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins with me. Through the awareness she gained in our coaching sessions, particularly the focus on controlling what she can and letting others do their part, this book offered additional perspectives that helped her shift her mindset entirely. I decided to read the book myself, as I often work with coachees who feel powerless because they desire specific outcomes that lie outside their control.

The book advocates a decisive mindset shift, encouraging readers to release their need to control other people’s choices, behaviours, and opinions and to “Let Them” be who they are. Instead of reacting, correcting, or trying to interfere, we are encouraged to step back and allow others to express their authentic selves, even when their actions don’t align with our expectations. By accepting people as they are, we conserve our energy and protect our inner peace. This is not weakness — it is wisdom.

The second part of the book shifts to the idea of “Let Me”, which reminds us to take responsibility for the areas we can control or influence. Instead of trying to change others into the version we prefer, we focus on choosing our own responses and actions. It is a balancing act: allowing others to handle their part while we focus on ours. Accepting what is outside our influence while focusing on what we can control helps regain our self-efficacy and sense of autonomy, leading to meaningful action.

In any relationship, rather than expecting others to behave the way we want them to, we should accept people as they are. Healthy relationships are built on mutual effort, respect, care and attraction, not on one-sided attempts to force someone into a pre-defined mode.

In addition, Mel emphasized that we cannot change others, even with good intentions. Indeed, it is not our responsibility to fix anyone. Lasting change does not come from pressure or from being told what to do; it arises through self-awareness, inner motivation, and the right conditions for growth.

It is useful to think of our sphere of influence as composed of three layers. The innermost is the area within our control which includes our mindset, attitude and behaviours. The things we can directly choose and manage are how we think, respond, and decide.

The next layer consists of the area we can attempt to influence. This refers to situations we do not have full control over but can still attempt to influence through our efforts. We can share our viewpoints and needs, inspire, persuade, or encourage. Influence does not guarantee an outcome, but it allows us to contribute to it.

Beyond is the area completely outside of our control. It includes what others think of us, how they choose to behave, whether they accept our ideas, or whether they reciprocate our efforts. Accepting this reality allows us to redirect our energy toward what truly matters and avoid unnecessary pressure, frustration, and disappointment.

When one can clearly distinguish these distinct layers, life becomes not only more manageable but also more vivid, creative, and meaningful.

推薦閱讀－ 《隨他們去》（The Let Them Theory），作者：梅爾‧羅賓斯（Mel Robbins）

專注於我們能夠控制和影響的事情，並接受那些我們無法掌控的。

我的一位學員最近跟我分享了梅爾‧羅賓斯的《隨他們去》（The Let Them Theory）。在我們的教練過程中，她逐漸意識到自己應該專注於可以掌控的事情，並讓他人處理他們自己的部分。這本書為她提供了新的視角，幫助她徹底轉變思考模式。我也決定閱讀這本書，因為我也經常遇到一些學員，他們會由於渴望獲得某些無法掌控的結果而產生無力感。

這本書提倡一種強而有力的思維轉變，鼓勵讀者放下控制他人選擇、行為和觀點的執念，簡單地「讓他們」做自己。與其做出反應、糾正或試圖干預，不如退後一步，允許他人表現真實的自我，即使他們的行為與我們的預期不符。接納他人原本的樣子，可以節省精力，守護自己內心的平靜。這並非耐弱，而是智慧。

這本書第二部分轉向「讓我」的理念，它提醒我們要對那些我們能夠控制或影響的領域負責。與其試圖將他人改變成我們喜歡的樣子，不如專注於選擇自己的回應和行動。這是一種平衡：允許他人承擔他們應盡的責任，同時我們專注於自己的責任。接納我們無法掌控的事情，同時專注於我們能夠控制的事情，有助於我們重拾自我效能感和自主感，最終促成有意義的行動。

在任何關係中，與其期望他人按照我們想要的方式來展示，不如接納他們原本的樣子。健康的人際關係是建立在相互努力、尊重、關懷和吸引之上，而不是單方面試圖將他人強迫成為預先設定的模式。

此外，梅爾強調，即使是出於好意，我們也無法改變他人。事實上，我們沒有責任去改變任何人。持久的改變並非來自壓力或被告知該做什麼；它源自於自我認知、內在動力、以及合適的成長環境。

我們可以把自身的影響範圍想像為三個層次來構成的。最內層是我們可控的範圍，包括我們的思考模式、態度和行為。我們可以直接選擇和管理的是我們思考、回應和決策方式。

第二層是我們能夠嘗試影響力的範圍。這指的是我們無法完全掌控，但仍可透過努力加以影響的情況。我們可以分享我們的觀點和需求，啟發、說服或鼓勵他人。影響力並不能保證結果，但它能讓我們為結果的實現而作出貢獻。

最外層是我們完全無法控制的範圍。這包括他人對我們的看法、他們的行為方式、他們是否接受我們的想法，以及他們會否報答我們的努力。接受這個現實，可以讓我們將精力重新集中於真正重要的事情上，避免不必要的壓力、挫折感和失望。

當個人能夠清楚地區分這三個不同的層次時，生活不僅會變得更加容易管理，也會更加生動、有創意和有意義。