Do you know yourself enough?
During our life journey, if we understand ourselves well, we
will make better life decisions. Although this sounds natural and easy, it requires
some effort. Enhanced self-awareness helps in self-discovery and the unlocking
of our potential. Knowing our personality, values, needs, strengths and
weaknesses is crucial in this process.
Raising self-awareness
A useful tool in the process of raising self-awareness is
the Johari Window (Psychologists Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham developed the
concept in 1955). The window is divided into four areas: Know/Unknown by
Self/Others. The top left is the “Arena” or the “Public Self” – visible to both
self and others. The top right is “Blind Spot” or the “Semi-Public Self” –
visible to others but not to the Self. The bottom left is the “Façade” or the
“Hidden Self” – the area the Self can choose to reveal to others depending on
circumstances and relationships. The bottom right is the “Unknown” or the “Unconscious”
– an area yet to be discovered by the Self and others.
Increasing self-awareness means exploring two areas that are
unknown to the Self. Individuals can raise their awareness of their “Blind
Spot” by collecting feedback and comments from others. The “Unknown” area is
the “Potential” that represents the “Unconscious Self”. In the process of
self-discovery and pushing individual limits the “Unknown” area will gradually
move into the conscious realm.
Johari Window
Raising self-awareness is the precursor of change but does
not guarantee changes. Supporting coachees in raising their self-awareness is
one of the key goals of a coach, but a coach cannot change anyone. Only if an
individual commits to changing themselves can they enhance happiness,
relationships and pursuit of their goals.
Other than raising self-awareness, it is also critical to
raise awareness about differences between Self and others. Understanding that
every individual is different will increase acceptance and enhance willingness
to communicate to narrow discrepancies.
Uncovering yourself is a pivotal process in life
To achieve your best self requires: 1) unlocking your
potential, and 2) minimising interference. According to “The Inner Game of
Tennis” by Tim Gallwey, potential minus interference equals performance.
Interference is a distraction that distances your performance from your true
potential.
Unlocking Potential.
As mentioned in the Johari Window, one’s true potential is unknown. Leaving
your comfort zone and pushing your limits can lead to self-discovery. In
addition, continuously acquiring knowledge and skills can enhance your
potential. Many people, out of fear of failure or lack of confidence,
prefer to stay in their comfort zone, doing things they are accustomed to
without exploring their true potential. Indeed, life is a journey of
self-discovery and neglecting that aspect, letting opportunities to empower
yourself slide may ultimately lead to a sense of waste and lack of fulfilment.
As such, you fail to experience the satisfaction of exerting your true
potential and becoming your best self.
Minimising
interference. Internal barriers such as self-doubting, self-limiting,
hesitating and lacking confidence are always preventing individuals from taking
their first step on a new path. Overcoming internal barriers is essential to
opening the doors to new opportunities. Minimising distraction or reducing the
feeling of worry and stress by putting effort into learning, growing and
practising is pivotal to enhancing performance.
In sports, athletes need a coach to help them unlock
potential by inspiring and supporting them to improve and grow. Similarly,
individuals can also seek help and support in their various life aspects by
having Life, Relationships, Family, Career, Financial, Executive or Business
coaches. For those who encounter life setbacks or challenges, the resulting
doubts can be overcome with external support from someone who can help devise
strategies and build confidence to go beyond obstacles. Recognising the need to
seek such assistance is the first step towards building your better self.
My experience of self-discovery
Running was never my preferred exercise because it
consistently caused discomfort in my lower abdomen. Inspired by my husband, who
runs every day, and wanting to enjoy the wonderful spring in Cambridge, I
started running in early 2019. It was challenging initially, as my muscles were
painful. With my determination, I could gradually handle around 4 km, and I ran
about 4 km every 2-3 days for a few years. In early 2024, I was inspired by a
television program about a group of youngsters who challenged themselves to run
a marathon, so I set myself a target of running 10km. I gradually extended my
runs and within two months I was able to complete it. I was not enjoying the
full 10km as my knees were a bit painful, but I discovered that I was
comfortable with 6km to 8km. I was surprised by my new-found fitness and
resilience. It was about never trying, never knowing. Currently, I find running
5-6 km an easy job.
This example demonstrates how we can push ourselves beyond
our perceived "limits" to unlock our true potential. These
"limits" are often temporary, frequently self-imposed and subjective,
and in most cases easily overcome or stretched by challenging ourselves. Indeed,
I can adjust my tactic by extending the timeline to six months, instead of
pushing to achieve my goal in two months, I can gradually increase the distance
by 500 meters every two weeks. Using a progressive approach will allow my body
to accommodate easily.
Expanding our horizons and knowing our maximum tolerance
Meeting people very different from us or someone who
challenges our tolerance can also lead to self-discovery. We meet good people
and difficult people in life, good ones are like the angels to give us
blessings, while the difficult ones always teach us lessons. We usually gain a
better understanding of our weaknesses, for example, being too naïve, too kind,
and not daring to voice out for ourselves. Those lessons are valuable if we are
willing to reflect and see how we can improve and change. Sometimes, we
tolerate unfairness and disrespect due to our kindness. When our maximum
tolerance levels are reached, we will push back. We can choose to break toxic
relationships and keep our distance from those who are unkind and
disrespectful. Surprisingly, eliminating negativity can have a more profound
positive impact than merely doing the right thing.
Restoring your autonomy
To have a self-fulfilling life, you must, to a certain
extent, have control over your existence. Therefore, restoring your autonomy is
essential. Here are a few questions to help review and assess your situation:
1) Are you pursuing a life that you want? 2) If yes, what do you feel the most
grateful for? 3) If not, which area(s) are you not satisfied with? 4) What
action would you take to restore your autonomy?
When you lose control of your life, you feel miserable. A
sense of being in control is pivotal to our overall happiness and satisfaction.
However, it is important to understand and accept that it is impossible to
control everything. Besides, accepting that life will never be perfect and it is
best to focus on the aspects that matter to you most is vital. In my view, achieving
a satisfaction level of 60-80% is regarded acceptable but I believe individuals
should have their judgement.
Exploring your strengths and values
Values are ingrained and are an integral part of an
individual’s identity. Therefore, when someone has no control of their own
decisions, they will feel lost in life. Values constitute the internal compass
which helps one to navigate the right path even when others disagree with their
choices. Achieving a goal that aligns with one's values can lead to a
satisfactory and meaningful life.
You will shine when you are at the right place
When individuals apply their strengths, they can reach their
optimal performance. When individuals discover an ideal position to showcase
their abilities in an environment where their contributions are recognized and
valued, their true brilliance will shine.
Achieving a better self, facilitating positive changes
I advocate and encourage individuals to pursue
self-improvement and achieve their best self. As coaches, we have limits, we
cannot change others. We can facilitate changes only if our coachees want to.
When to proceed with the changes and what to change depends on them. According
to Marshall Goldsmith’s Wheel of Change, during the process, an individual
decides 1) what a new me they want to create? 2) what they want to eliminate?
3) what can they accept? and 4) what they want to preserve? A transformation is
required to achieve a better self.
Enhancing self-confidence
To strengthen one’s confidence, there are four critical
steps: 1) positive affirmation, 2) face one’s mistakes, 3) avoid comparison and
4) focus on improvement. If individuals can affirm what they have been doing
well, are willing to face their mistakes and look for improvement, they will
gain back their confidence. As a result, they will no longer need others to
validate them. They will rely on their inner barometer to gauge their progress
by comparing themselves to their past selves instead of comparing to others.
Knowing our needs and self-actualisation
I would like to introduce the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs
which was created by Abraham Maslow in 1943 to help individuals raise their
awareness of their own needs. Most people focus on fulfilling their basic needs
(physiological and safety), which are essential to their existence. After
satisfying their basic needs, individuals usually shift their focus to meeting
higher-level needs, which lead to more satisfaction, such as love and belonging
and self-esteem. Self-actualisation, the realisation of a person’s potential,
is the pinnacle of the hierarchy of needs. However, many individuals neglect or
defer pursuing it, often due to a necessity to fulfil their lower levels needs.
To self-actualise one's dreams, it is essential to set
achievable goals, break them down into manageable steps, and take consistent
action. With persistence and perseverance, one can gradually get close and reach
these goals.
My coaching in supporting individuals
I aim to encourage my coachees to discover more about
themselves and unlock their potential. My assessments can help to deepen my
coachees’ understanding of the link between their personalities, innate,
values, needs and strengths, thereby allowing them to enhance their self-image
and self-confidence. There is no magic wand to make it happen instantly. Rather it is a continuous process of
exploring, learning and growing.
Winner Lee
Life Coach, Mentor, Writer
The original article was published on LinkedIn on January 10, 2025.
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