My experience
I have been on my parenting journey for about 19 years – I
am a mum of a teen and a young adult. To me, parenting hasn't been
straightforward. I learned patience, tolerance and acceptance of imperfections.
I put effort into learning, communicating and reflecting to be able to support
my children to become mature and responsible adults, to be who they are, to
dare meet new challenges and put effort into performing their best.
My parents’ parenting-style
In my childhood, I was an obedient child who was afraid of
upsetting my parents. Being the eldest, my dad always blamed me for the
wrongdoings of my younger brother and sisters. I took too much responsibility,
while my brother and sisters didn’t learn from their mistakes. I followed my
parents’ rules, helped them a lot, and was conscious not to cause trouble. My
mum was relatively fair to me. However, both my parents were quite grumpy, they
always scolded or occasionally beat us if we were not following their ways.
Usually, my brain went into thinking mode when they scolded me, and I avoided
arguing with them so that they would gradually turn calmer. I felt frustrated
about being scolded, so I always reflected and strived for improvement. Under
this parenting style, I was not a happy child as I avoided expressing what I
wanted and repressed my feelings. However, I had progressively developed into a
positive, constructive and self-reflective thinker. I found that when we grew
up, my parents changed their attitude to us, they didn’t intervene much and
allowed us to pursue the paths we wanted. It made me aware that a free
environment is critical for young people to explore various opportunities and
possibilities without any pressure.
My parenting-style
When I became a mum, I didn’t want to replicate my parents’
parenting style. I prefer explaining to them with patience and I always pay
attention to their feelings. Gradually, I came to understand their
personalities, characteristics, and aptitudes. I always wanted to understand
them on a deeper level. Even when I had a busy and stressful job, I still spent
time reading parenting and positive psychology books, which had a positive
impact on my parenting style. Later, I also learned about Human Design, the MBTI
personality test, and explored their intelligence, strengths and values via
various assessments to understand their innate abilities and what is the most
important to them. We can choose friends that align with our preferences,
personalities, and values, but we can’t choose our children. Therefore, we must
understand and accept who they are and try to devise strategies to nurture them
in the way that is suitable for them.
Exert my influence
As a life coach, I want to help and inspire the young. I am
also acutely aware of the pivotal role parenting plays in children’s growth.
Therefore, I believe it is imperative for me to share parenting tips on how to
do it effectively. Parents need to be aware that positivity and optimism,
not control, will nurture a happy, confident and motivated children,
well-equipped to handle future challenges.
Happy childhood is more important than academic success
A happy life starts from childhood. In Hong Kong, people
talk about “winning at the starting line”,
parents push their children to study hard and participate in a lot of extra
activities, which probably makes them very stressed. I prefer providing my
children a happy childhood because it is where a happy life starts. Exploring
activities that our children enjoy, and reading books to inspire their
curiosity is long-lasting. My daughter started to dance when she was two, from
ballet to jazz to hip hop, jazz funk and K-pop. She also encouraged my son to
dance when he was one, and they both love dancing nowadays. Dancing is an
excellent way to exercise and de-stress because it engages the brain on music
and steps away from worry and stress. When my daughter studies too hard, I
remind her to dance and have some fun. I wish to help my children cultivate a
balanced life not only to accomplish their goals but also to enjoy their life
journey.
Spending quality time
Nowadays, in most families both parents need to work to
support the family. It is worth remembering that what our children need most,
especially when they are small, is not a luxurious lifestyle but their parent’s
time and attention. Simple activities such as reading, playing, cooking or
doing something fun together, are best to let them feel our love and care. When
I was a strategist, despite my heavy workload, I always spent time reading
books with my children before bedtime and dedicated my time to them during
weekends and holidays. I wanted to instil in them love of learning, especially
through shared experiences. As a family, we frequently went on holidays in
different countries in Asia and Europe, to have new adventures and experience
different cultures together.
Listening to understand
Most parents focus on teaching their children what they
think is important. However, listening and understanding what the children want
is also critical. Attentive listening is a skill that I honed during my
coaching course. I practice it to be able to ask powerful questions which help
improve relationship with my children. Our children need us to understand their
thoughts, desires, dreams, new experiences, and their perception of the world.
Voicing them to parents is an opportunity to learn how to express themselves. I
learned not to judge too early, but to listen patiently to understand what they
think. Their way of perceiving the world differs from ours due to differences
in knowledge, upbringing and experience. What is obvious to us may not be
obvious to them therefore communication with patience is the only way to
achieve understanding.
Explaining with patience
Scolding our children for their wrongdoings may generate
effective short-term impacts but cannot help them understand reasons behind
issues. I refrain from reprimanding because I am concerned it would discourage
them from expressing themselves. My parents used to scold me a lot and this
parenting style made me afraid of expressing what I think and my feelings,
which continued into my adulthood. I advocate patience in explaining the
consequences of children's missteps and wrongdoings. This helps to raise their
awareness. Using scenarios is helpful in illustrating cause and effect – for
example, we can explain that running in a restaurant might cause accidents
which can hurt them as well as others. Don’t think the children are too small
to understand, but we can use age-appropriate language and examples. A gradual
explanation can also help them to shape their way of thinking.
Being a good role model
I believe most children follow what their parents do more
than what they say. I wish to be a good role model for my children. I want them
to also 1) be lifetime learners, 2) keep calm when faced with problems, 3) be
bold when tackling challenges, 4) persevere amid difficulties. When I decide to
do something, I will apply myself and strive to accomplish it. I draw their
attention to the fact that it is worth putting an effort into making their
choices into the correct decisions.
My attending a coaching course demonstrated to them how I
approach new projects and learn from scratch. I had to read books and articles
and write assignments. When I decided to run 10km as my personal goal, I shared
with them every little progress I made to illustrate that achieving goals needs
to be carried out in many small steps. When we started learning to ski
together, I had to step out of my comfort zone, but I never gave up and
persevered. I believe pushing children to do something is not the effective
way. It is better to motivate and inspire them by demonstrating how we act.
Caring for their feelings
When my children faced difficulties and challenges, I
listened to them, comforted them, and encouraged them. People who know me
probably think that I am quite calm and with high emotional intelligence. At
work, I normally won’t show emotions because my focus was on problem-solving.
At home, I always explain the rationale to my children with patience.
Occasionally, my daughter tested my limits with poor attitude or illogical
arguments. Sometimes, I would lose my composure even though I normally tend to
avoid conflict, especially with my lovable children. Afterwards, when calm, I
would apologise and explain the reason for losing control. I would stress that
consensus is not always possible due to our distinct personalities,
preferences, and values. However, regardless of difference of opinion, we
should always communicate in logically, understand each other’s limits and
respect boundaries. Because ultimately, the important thing after all quarrels
is to repair the relationship and restore harmony.
Supporting and encouraging
Our support and encouragement are crucial to shaping our
children's self-esteem and self-worth. Praise and recognition will help them
build confidence. As a parent, we need to help them recognise their feelings
and empower them to reject things or situations that are inappropriate or that
make them uncomfortable. We can help them to identify their strengths and
weaknesses in a constructive and non-judgemental way. By knowing what they are
good at, they will be more accepting of their weaknesses and more likely to
focus on improvement. Ultimately, we want our children to be happy and
fulfilled on whatever path they choose. By understanding their desires and
offering support and encouragement we are contributing to their resolve to
achieve their goals and dreams.
Fostering self-discipline
People with strong
self-discipline are usually well-organised, healthier, and have better time
management. I taught my children to manage three key things in life: 1) health,
2) time and 3) money. Success in all these three areas requires planning, determination
and persistence.
For me, health takes
the highest priority. It is maintained by cultivating a healthy lifestyle,
eating nutritious foods, exercising and allowing enough rest. That, in turn,
requires good time management - striking a balance between study and play, work
and leisure.
When it comes to
money, it is best to start early. I helped my children to develop good habits
by giving them pocket money and teaching them how to save via prioritising
needs, controlling desires and delaying gratification. Once established, these
skills will become nature and will serve them well when they start earning
themselves.
Setting boundaries
Setting boundaries
is another process that needs practicing and should start early. We need to
make our children aware of our own boundaries so that they won’t keep testing
our limits. At the same time, we need to show them how to set their own
boundaries to protect their inner peace and develop healthy long-term
relationships. We should engage them in practicing how to communicate and
exercise their boundaries with us so that they know how to set them with
others. Learning to say “no” to the things that they disagree or feel
uncomfortable with is not an easy process and should be practised at home in a
safe environment. Our respect for their boundaries is important for them to
realise that others who treasure their relationship should care about their feelings.
We should teach them to seek friends who are kind, sincere and supportive and
stay away from people who lack respect and drain their energy.
Teaching accountability
Parents should teach their children to be accountable for their choices and responsible for the consequences. For example, if our children pour milk on the table or the floor, instead of reprimanding them, we should teach them to clean up so that they learn the remedy. Stepping back and allowing children to experience adverse outcomes of their daily decisions helps to teach them about consequences. A decision-making process is to gather information, compare pros and cons, consider their preference and limitations and make their own choices. I stressed that choices are theirs to make and consequences theirs to face. In my opinion, advice should not be in the form of a directive but rather guidance to facilitate understanding of others’ rationale and perspectives, before arriving at final decisions.
Balancing give and take
To sustain long-term healthy relationships, striking a
balance between give and take is helpful. Parents should avoid nurturing an
extreme selfless or selfish child. Children tend to follow parental cues and
imitate a parent who is a taker or giver.
According to Adam Grant’s “Give and Take”, givers give
unconditionally with no expectation of reward. Givers build goodwill and trust,
establish good reputations and relationships, sustaining long-term success.
Givers’ initiation to give also prompts others to contribute, therefore,
leading to more contribution and synergy. Takers, on the other hand, prefer to
give less and take more; they usually use other people for their gain. They may
generate short-term gains for themselves but cannot earn trust over the long
run. Concerned about takers taking all credit in a team, people are inclined to
be very cautious when working with them.
Our children, depending on their personalities, may have
different tendencies to give or take. We should raise our children's awareness
of what is a comfortable relationship. They cannot be too calculating as there
is no absolute correct formula between give and take. If they care about the
relationship, they should make an effort and contribute to the other party.
Give and take should not focus on material things but more on spending time
together, and exhibiting care, respect and support.
Givers usually believe giving is more blessed than receiving
and it is also their equilibrium state. However, they must be aware of setting
healthy boundaries to prioritise their own needs to prevent overwhelming
situations that consume too much of their energy and affect their inner peace.
Takers usually take advantage of others; they have no limit
on how much they expect others to contribute. Parents should raise their
children's awareness that others have limits and that they should not take
everything for granted; if they treasure the relationship, they should also put
effort into contributing.
Cultivating gratitude
A happy and positive life starts to develop in childhood. We
can raise our children’s awareness of the necessity of gratitude for positive
events around them and appreciation of good people who treat them well. Knowing
when and how to be thankful instead of taking things for granted is essential.
Drawing attention to positive events and discouraging from disproportionately
focusing on the negatives will boost their sense of contentment and happiness.
Practicing gratitude enhances positivity in life and can attract even more
positive experiences.
When my children were small, I reminded them to appreciate
our helpers who woke up early to prepare their lunch and daily routines. I
expected my children to respect them and treat them as family. In return, my
helpers also treated them as their own children.
Training punctuality
My dad taught me to treasure time, I teach my kids to manage
three key things in life, health, time and money with self-discipline. I
believe punctuality is an essential social skill that requires zero talent.
Parents can easily help their children to cultivate this quality by raising
their awareness to treasure their own and others’ time.
Those with leadership qualities who treasure time and are
reliable and professional can earn trust and respect. Proper time management
can help reduce stress and anxiety, prevent conflicts and help avoid missing
opportunities.
When I worked in investment banks, my colleagues told me
that whenever a candidate arrived late for an interview, they accepted no
excuses and asked them to leave. Being late shows disregard for the interviewer
and for the opportunity, and highlights lack of qualities expected of a
responsible employee. Successful leaders are punctual to be good role models
and earn respect.
Guiding but not helping them to solve their problems
When they struggle in challenging situations, we should
encourage them to find their way out, rather than present them with solutions
or even deal with the problem ourselves. When they are overthinking, we can
remind them mistakes are part of the learning process, what is done is done,
best to learn and move on. If they are too worried about future events, we can
ask them to shift their attention to areas they can control to shore up their
confidence. This will help them gradually build resilience and gain confidence
to handle future challenges. Without this process, they will never learn and
grow.
No one is perfect
There are no prefect children, and we must understand they
won’t be able to do everything that we demand of them. We are also not perfect
parents from their point of view. Instead of focusing on controlling their
behaviour and life decisions, we should take a step back to let them try. We
should enjoy the lovely parenting process rather than being frustrated about
them not following our way. We should praise our children’s effort and
accomplishments, accept their weaknesses and drawbacks, encourage them to
reflect and improve. We should also put effort into our learning and
improvement.
We can exert positive influence on our children, but it will
take time to flourish. Just as we sow seeds, when and how they grow is out of
our control. However, if we don’t sow any seeds, nothing will be grown. We
should try our best to instil in them integrity, gratitude, responsibility,
fairness, open-mindedness, empathy, self-discipline, personal growth, and
resilience. But whether they will follow it is entirely up to them.
Winner Lee
Life Coach, Mentor, Writer
The original article was published on Medium on May 1, 2025.
https://medium.com/dancing-elephants-press/effective-parenting-66c24938a70a
The Effective Parenting booklet was published on LinkedIn in March 2025.
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